1. He doesn’t have friends he shares and communicates with regularly, like you do
2. He doesn’t care about little irrelevant details in your story — just get to the point
3. He likes commands, not questions, during conversation
4. Making first date chit-chat is painful for him
5. He’d like (and might even expect) to jump into bed on the first date
1. He doesn’t have friends he shares and communicates with regularly, like you do
2. He doesn’t care about little irrelevant details in your story — just get to the point
3. He likes commands, not questions, during conversation
4. Making first date chit-chat is painful for him
5. He’d like (and might even expect) to jump into bed on the first date
There are a number of things that nearly all men try to avoid at all
costs: chick flicks, drinking out of glasses (seriously, what’s with
slurping the orange juice right out of the carton?), and making a woman
cry. The latter generally leads men to avoid being straightforward with
women, leaving the ladies in quite the “What the heck is he really
thinking?” bind. In his newest book, 7 Things He’ll Never Tell You…But You Need to Know, noted psychologist, author and radio personality Dr. Kevin Leman explains what single men really
want — and why they often avoid sharing their true feelings with their
girlfriends. If you feel as though there’s something your partner is
keeping from you, read some of the truths that Dr. Leman says many men
avoid sharing with the women in their lives — and why you need to
respond to them before your relationship takes a turn for the worse.
1. He doesn’t have friends he shares and communicates with regularly, like you do
“Women are relational creatures by nature,” explains Dr. Leman. “They
tell their friends all about the men they date — heck, sometimes they
even engage in meaningful conversations with strangers!” However, he
says that men simply don’t act this way. Instead, they have what Dr.
Leman calls ‘arm’s-length’ relationships — i.e., men bond with one
another while watching sports, attending concerts or even through their
jobs, but they don’t discuss their stresses, relationships and family
dramas over coffee or a long walk, like women usually do. When they’re
seriously dating, however, Dr. Leman says that men are seeking the type
of partner they can have these intimate conversations with as a facet of
their relationship.
“Because men value these intimate conversations and connections
differently than women do, most guys don’t like it when the women they
date tell their friends — or even family members — everything about
their dating life,” he says. “Men are much more private; they think,
‘What goes on between you and me should stay between you and me!’”
When you share these details with your girlfriends, men feel like you
have violated the relationship between the two of you, which is why they
shut down and get mad. If you must share your love life’s ups and downs
with a trusted confidante, make it someone who won’t spill your dirt to
anyone else — and don’t tell him that you’ve spilled it, either.
Related: He said: “My relationship has to have ____”
2. He doesn’t care about little irrelevant details in your story — just get to the point
Feeling annoyed by the blank expression on his face when you’re telling
him about your day, your vacation plans, or voicing thoughts on
redecorating your apartment? “Men speak (and prefer to be spoken to) in
what I like to call ‘man-speak’ — a simple, direct language that any
other man understands,” says Dr. Leman. “A man also wishes that the
woman he’s dating could understand it just as easily.” According to Dr.
Leman, “man-speak” is like getting the USA Today
version of news — guys don’t care to pepper their stories and
conversations with what they believe to be unnecessary details to get
their point across. When women do this, it generally confuses,
frustrates or even intimidates the men who are listening to them.
Therefore, you need to understand that when a man speaks to you this
way, he’s not keeping anything a secret, being coldly unemotional or
even evasive — that’s just the way they communicate. Meanwhile, it’s a
safe bet that any man’s eyes will glaze over when you throw in all sorts
of extra details and commentary while trying to tell him something.
Again, it’s not because he doesn’t like you — but, as Dr. Leman
explains, “more so because he just doesn’t need (or want) all of that
info to make what you’re saying any clearer.” So the next time you’re
ready to share big news with your date, the best way to hold his
attention and ensure he’ll respond as you’d hoped he would is to keep it
brief and to the point. Remember: Just stick to the facts and you’ll
both be happier.
Related: Top 5 things that drive men crazy
3. He likes commands, not questions, during conversation
According to Dr. Leman, the quickest way to shut your man down quickly
is with a “why” question. Asking him something like, “Why aren’t you
talking to me?” or “Why are you mad at me?” will make a man completely
exasperated, asserts Dr. Leman. “Asking a man ‘why’ questions will make
him feel like he’s in trouble and immediately put him on the defensive.
Try giving him a command instead. Remember, men like things to be simple
and laid out for them clearly. Think of the guy you’re dating as a
four-year-old who also shaves. Most adult men can be summed up like
that; they pout, act like kids, and sometimes even throw a temper
tantrum. Many of their reactions can be infantile. A man wants to know
that he’s attractive, perceived as smart, knowledgeable, and can get
things done by you; that’s it.” So instead of asking “Why are you mad at
me?” rephrase your question in the form of a command, like this: “Tell
me more about what’s upsetting you.” A simple phrasing adjustment will
make all the difference in how he responds, explains Dr. Lehman.
Related: What your guy really means...
4. Making first date chit-chat is painful for him
There’s a reason why all of those crazy skydiving and snorkeling dates on The Bachelor
usually end successfully, says Dr. Leman. “Most men want a first date
where there’s an activity involved, because they’re not always skilled
conversationalists or comfortable with immediate emotional intimacy.
That’s why they’d prefer a first-date situation with something for them
to focus on, like a ball game or a trip to the amusement park.” If an
activity-based date just isn’t an option for you, Dr. Leman suggests
planning a “casual cup of coffee” date where there’s less pressure
involved with keeping his side of the conversation going. Don’t worry —
he’ll open up to you more as he grows increasingly comfortable with you
later on.
Related: What men really want to hear from you
5. He’d like (and might even expect) to jump into bed on the first date
Dr. Lehman says that the number-one thing a man won’t tell you — but that you absolutely
need to know — is his agenda for getting you into the bedroom. “For
most guys — especially younger ones — dates are a good time, which
usually leads to sex,” explains Dr. Leman. “In fact, many guys that I’ve
spoken with expect to have sex on a first date, and a lot of women I
have talked with are equally happy to comply.” So is jumping into bed on
the first date a good idea? It really just depends, says Dr. Leman: “If
you’re a woman who is OK with it, you can probably expect to have a
good short-term relationship with the guy. Everything will go smoothly
for a while, but eventually, he will leave.” However, a man who’s
looking for a long-term relationship isn’t going to like a woman who
doesn’t mind sleeping with him on the first date, according to Dr.
Lehman, and that he might not stick around after that first night
passes. “Instead, he’ll have his fun and keep doing whatever he likes
until he finds someone who’s different — a woman who he thinks is a
keeper for him.” According to Dr. Lehman, a woman’s game plan for
integrating sex with dating shouldn’t involve being coy and playing
games with men. Instead, put your focus on being — and dating — smart.
“Dating smart means acting in a way that allows you to discern a man’s
true intentions — namely, if he cares about you, or is just
interested in having sex,” advises Dr. Leman. When you sleep with
someone too quickly, you don’t get the chance to figure out who he
really is and what he really wants from your date — it is just sex? Or
is he looking for a real relationship and partnership with someone who’s
his equal? Does he see you as just someone to have fun with, or
possibly more? Make good choices regarding how quickly you get physical
with a date. By being different from almost all the other women he sees,
you’ll make him want to be with you,” asserts Dr. Leman.
When DC-based journalist Chelsea Kaplan isn’t helping you solve your
relationship problems, she’s making jewelry. Check it out at www.chelseabellejewelry.com.